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Moving For A Long-Distance Relationship

by Russell Irving

The Internet has provided Singles with a whole series of new methods with which to find romance; whether the fleeting 'hook-up' type or the 'lasting romance' style. One has only to look at online dating services, social media, and even online gaming and they will find options for meeting up with someone special.

Let's think about those of you who are seeking a lasting love, a potential spouse.

Dating services purport to help you find a compatible mate. They claim to weed out those with whom you are likely to have little in common with and with even less overall compatibility. However, the system is flawed by the relatively high risk of one or both of you being less than truthful when filling out the service's questionnaire. Or, perhaps, there is a sense of self that does not quite match the reality. Things such as 'wit', 'communicator',  'attractive', and 'sexy', are relatively subjective.

With social media, the thought is probably that someone whom you have known and are communicating with understands the type of person whom you would be attracted to and would be compatible with. Yet, if this friend of yours has not spent time with you recently, as in an old high school chum, their understanding of the 'inner You' might be rather flawed.

The gamer whom you interact with online probably knows much less about you. Their hunches might be largely based upon the avatar that you chose and any aggressive/confident behavior that you exhibit during the game's actions and planning stages. Additionally, it is easy for someone to live out attributes online that they do not possess or exhibit during their day-to-day life.

So, what happens when 2 of you do 'hit it off', online?
Well, ideally, each one of you is perfectly honest about who they are and are not, their hopes & dreams, and their expectations in a relationship.

Okay, so far so good, right? Well, in this article, I want to help you examine what can happen when the 2 of you decide not only to meet in person, but to either marry or live together, without first getting to court in the traditional sense or after spending a minimal amount of time together.

A positive thing is that when you communicate online, by phone/Skype, or text, you can relax a bit. You don't have to initially worry about that first impression based upon your looks.
However, it is not a giant leap to find the 2 of you, over-sharing due to the semi-anonymous nature of your contacts. You or she might be overly forthcoming about past actions, beliefs, or predilections. Ones that would normally be shared once you knew one another better.

Online/phone sex can easily follow. With or without the 'benefit' of a webcam or smartphone. - One of the problems here is that a large part of a satisfying sexual relationship depends upon actually seeing your partner in various stages of arousal and climax. Of being able to enjoy their body's distinct scent. To savor the taste of their mouth and skin. The texture of their hair... Once you both acually meet, these important sensory areas might prove rather unsatisfactory to you or them. - Then, what? Do not underestimate the importance of a satisfying intimate relationship.

Without the benefit of actually dating in the 'real world', it is nigh impossible for either one of you to draw conclusions about the quality of your match. Something is to be said about seeing the other person at the end of a long and trying work day. Of looking at them when they first get up in the morning and when they are exhausted, at night. To be there with them when they lash out with frustration or anger, regarding something that happened during their day. To how you or they handle the stresses which come from dating or living together. How you each deal with real or perceived jealousy. Family members. Food tastes. Dealing with your friends or theirs. How they handle money: spending, saving, budgeting.

All of which can lead to the inevitable decisions to be made: Do they or you, move to the other one's city or town? And, do you become instant roommates, if they do, as opposed to living independently and pursue a traditional courtship? Do you simply get married, right away?

Some of the many things to consider, in addition to what I have already mentioned are:
#1 How will you or they adjust to or even like the area that you live in? Are you the big city type and they the more country or suburban dweller? The culture of residents tend to vary greatly in different parts of the nation.

#2 How will the person moving support themselves? Can they line up a job before they move? Is there a difference in the cost of living?

#3 A sense of public transportation or general crime rates/safety?

#4 The abundance or lack thereof in as much as cultural centers or entertainment venues go?

#5 Are you compatible in terms of daily routines? Day-person, night-owl, or... ? Is one of you sloppy and one of you a neatnik? Do you enjoy eating while watching TV or do you cherish meal time as a corner-of-the-day when you and they can just be alone, communicating about your day or theirs... ?

#6 A gross thought, perhaps, but are you each on the same page when it comes to personal hygiene? Clean cloths? Clean living space?

#7 Will you each have your own transportation? Or an easy way to get around town, independently?

#8 Views on raising a family. - Do you each want children? If so, how many? If you do and they do not, are you really willing to not be a dad? How would your parents feel about no grandchildren from you? If you do not want children and they do, the same questions arise. Plus, if someone gives in, there will almost cetainly be resentment. - With kids, would one of you stay at home with them? Or put them in day care or with family/friends? Discipline? Education (public or private or religious schools.)

#9 Do you believe in debt? If so, for necessities, frills or both? Do they?

#10 Religion. Are you of the same faith? Even if 'yes', different denominations can be quite difficult to deal with.

#11 Feelings about family. Yours? Hers? Visits? Financial assistance? Time with them?

#12 Views on moral and political issues. Such as: civil disobedience, abortion, recreational drug use, politics, patriotism, birth control, racism, voting, interracial marriage, government surveillance/privacy rights...

#13 Living arrangements: Only themselves (and with any children whom they have). With in-laws, siblings.

#14 What if one of you has a sexually transmitted disease?

#15 How do you handle an addiction. Whether to alcohol, other drugs, gaming, or gambling?

#16 What if one of you commits adultery? What then?

#17 What if one of you 'tires' of the other person or simply decides that they are not meant to live their lives together?

#18 How will important and mundane decisions be made?

#19 What happens if one of your family or close friends needs financial assistance, a place to live, or something else that could add stress to your relationship?

#20 Have you both been forthright regarding any 'secrets'/'blemishes' which you normally keep others from knowing? If so, does the other person not have a right to know them, before they uproot their life?

#21 Are you or they, at least in part, looking for a way to get out of a bad situation? (Abusive, financially unstable, or... ?)

#22 Is either of you 'settling' because you fear that no one else will want to share their life with you?

#23 Have both of or either one of you had 'sufficient' dating experience?

#24 How secure is either one of you in the relationship? Would you be willing to allow the other or yourself to date different people? And accept any potential 'fallout'?

#25 Have you considered this saying? "If you break it, you own it." - Do you have the intestinal fortitude, the courage to tell them that the relationship is not meant to be, at least from your perspective? How would you handle her telling you that? Or, even each one of you coming to that decision? In other words, are you willing to deal with the potential anger or potential, resulting pain?

Hopefully, I have offered you (and your potential spouse) some 'food for thought'.

'Nuff said.

I invite any of you who wish to do so, to send me your experiences in this area. If any of them are published here, we will not use the names that you give us. Send them to:

Copyright Russell Irving 2012