Men Express Themselves
Where men can share their points of view and more.
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MEN AND INTIMACY: The 'Untold' Story

After conducting numerous workshops, listening to men and women on the job, and men discussing their wives at functions, I decided to let some of you ladies know just how many men feel and think regarding intimacy non-sexual and sexual.

QUIZ-TIME, Ladies!

#1 - Do you always feel like going to work?

#2 - Do you always feel like visiting your in-laws?

#3 - Do you want to be responsible for organizing and preparing meals, as often as you are?

#4 - Do you truly feel in the mood to spend time with your children, every evening, after a stressful day?

Bonus Question - Do you enjoy being told that you are beautiful and being paid other compliments?

WELL, IF YOU ANSWERED 'No' to all 4 questions… Make that 3 questions… Okay! If even to 1 of these queries, then this article is for you. - Especially if you can answer 'Yes' to the bonus question. - The real question is: Do you often reject or ignore your husband's amorous or affectionate overtures?

HOLD ON! CONTINUE reading. Why? Because deep down inside, you probably love your man. And would like to avoid being ignored in return, or worse yet, being cheated on, or ending up divorced.

MEN ARE LIKE BABIES. And please do not say, "I know that. Every woman does! So tell me something that I do not know, already."

TRUTH IS, babies thrive on touch, on affection, and overt acceptance by the most important woman in their life. Well, men are very similar. Without physical contact of an affectionate or sexual nature, they, also, wither. And withdraw. And become resentful. The difference is that to men, their wife is their most important woman. (Perhaps except for TV's Raymond… ) - Have you known a man who is in love with his spouse, fail to beam when complimented by her? Or not walk more confidently? Or try harder to please her? Or… ?

YOUR BUTCHER or the mailman probably gets more schmoozing and affection from you than your husband does. Your girlfriend's lover probably gets a hug and a kiss from you more often, as you greet him, than your man does. - Don't think for a moment that your couch potato or workaholic husband doesn't notice this and doesn't care.

"HE UNDERSTANDS THAT BY THE END OF THE DAY, I'M JUST EXHAUSTED. He knows, deep down, that I care. If life was only easier for us… " - Need I continue with your side of the conversation? No! Because these truisms are also lame excuses when you consider what you risk losing. - Especially, today, when divorce and adultery are easier to obtain than ever before, you need to be careful.

NOW, DON'T GET INTO AN UPROAR or pout. I speak the truth. Many men might 'suffer in silence' for years. But, there is a breaking point looming in the horizon. And along the way, he will probably 'act out'. He might begin working late, or tuning into mindless TV shows rather than into you.

DAILY RATIONS of 'stroking' or affection can be had easily by many of you. Whether from the children or retailers or… You have numerous opportunities which men often do not get. On-the-job comments made to a co-worker, let alone the friendly hug or pat-on-the-back can result in litigation for him. Children are often more physically affectionate or tolerant of it, with their moms, than with their dads.

STOP REJECTING THE IMPACT of your rejections! - Can you imagine in your wildest dreams being turned down for important, personal needs, literally 1,000's of times? Well, many married men can. - Can you imagine still wanting to be intimate or even living with that person? Get the picture? Men do often have fragile egos, despite frequently showing exteriors made of rugged armor.

WHY REMAIN MARRIED? NOW BEFORE you throw down this article or shout out, "Because of love, you, idiot!" think of this. What probably made you choose to marry the man behind the face that you see daily at the breakfast table or on the pillow next to you, while watching Leno or Letterman? Especially if you had other close, wonderful male friends? That thing called 'love' is why. And a huge part of it was the physical, romantic high that you shared with him. And, the soft, warm closeness. The feeling of being safe, lying in his arms or wrapped around one another. - Now, you might assume that it's no big deal anymore, but it is still one to him! And, isn't he supposed to count in the equation? He is not your roommate. He is your husband, lover, and best friend.

DON'T TOUCH THAT DESSERT! OR EAT IT! - Now, close your eyes. Imagine your favorite, decadent dessert. Inhale it's scent. Picture allowing it to melt slowly in your mouth, linger there, then slowly slide down your throat. Knowing that you want to repeat this action until you become satiated or it is time to get up for work or the children. Satiated for the moment, though. Only to desire, crave it again, the next day. - Well, you are your husband's sweetest, most desirable dessert! Imagine, now that every night you had to sleep with your strong desire for this dessert which lays upon your nightstand. So close… You can inhale it's scent, drink in it's beauty with your eyes, but as you reach for it, someone pushes you away and reprimands you for wanting it. Possibly calling you a derogatory name, such as 'animal', 'pig'. - Now, imagine your husband lying by your side, drinking in your beauty, but frequently being rejected. Only to return the next evening for a repeat performance. It hurts, Ladies! Men do have feelings.

TOSSING HIM A BONE. - Many of you believe that by acquiescing once a month or maybe quarterly, to his desires, you have performed your 'wifely duties'. That he should be more than satisfied. But think about that dessert again. Would that frequency, balanced against the nightly temptation of it, truly be sufficient? And men are not stupid. That way, at least! They know that your heart isn't really into it. How? Maybe it's the few times that you do it. Or that once you each climax, you are the one who immediately rolls over on their side and says, "Now go to sleep," instead of cuddling in one another's arms or resting your head on his chest.

DEGRADING. - Can you picture just how degrading this all is to your husband? All for true or pseudo-intimacy?

THE 'MOOD'. - Baloney! How many things do you do in the course of the day for virtual strangers or for other loved ones, when you would rather not be doing them? And please do not say, "But that's the point! At night, I don't want to have to please one more person, unless that person is myself!" - Now, if your man is selfish and doesn't care about meeting your intimacy needs, than that's one matter. But even then, have you communicated that problem to him? - Don't you also get pleasure once you begin relations? An even more 'novel concept' would be, you actually taking pleasure in making this person with whom you share your life, meals, failures, and successes, happy!

"SEX. SEX. SEX. IT"S ALWAYS about sex. No romance!" - Well, perhaps so. But perhaps you also are misreading his signals. Perhaps snuggling behind you, and stroking you gently, is simply his way to wind down and show you just how special you are in his life. And if you believe that letting him do this will result in the touch becoming sexual, you are making an assumption that could deny you the romance, for which a part of you longs. And even if it were to become sexual, think of this. Someone prepares your favorite entrée, but then offers you dessert. You would likely go for it! And that's not wrong. Cut your spouse some slack, okay?

"I'M UNATTRACTIVE. I DON'T FEEL DESIRABLE." - Please don't use that excuse, Ladies. Obviously, your man is not blind. But he loves and desires you! You! So, revel in it! Don't hide from his gaze by having the lights off, when intimate. Most men want to see their bride, their lover, when loving her. You might even feel awkward undressing in front of him, but doing so is an insult in his eyes.

"I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH, SMART ENOUGH, OR … ENOUGH FOR HIM." - So what you are saying is that he has poor taste in women, and more importantly, in a life-mate. Hmm… So, why is it that he should stay around? - Likewise, if your boss offers you a promotion or the PTA offers you an award to honor your skills, do you turn them down saying that you don't deserve it?

"HE'S NOT ATTRACTIVE TO ME ANYMORE." - Well, maybe subtly and nicely give him the message and incentives to work on his weight or hygiene or whatever it is that turns you off. If he is moody and distant why not try to discover the cause of it? And work through it together?

THE OTHER MAN OR woman. - Infidelity is not the exclusive province of men. It never has been. If you are having an affair or are in love with someone else, do the honorable thing. Be responsible and grownup. Tell your spouse the truth. You owe him that much. - If the affair or fling is over… truly over… get past yourself, your guilt. And move on. Do not burden him with it.

SPEAKING OF TRUTH… - That can be a manipulative and harmful game, itself. Let's presume that you no longer love your husband. At least not romantically. You need to tell him that. Be straight about it. If this is not part of the typical marriage ups-and-downs, say so. Don't play him. It's truly not your place to want him to stay around for the money, prestige, power, children, to avoid divorce,… It's not your place to decide whether he is getting enough other benefits from the marriage to warrant him staying with you. The odds are, this is not the only arena of life where your lack of love and emotions show.

ANGER. RESENTMENT. FRUSTRATION. - Yup! All valid feelings because they are your emotions. - Now, try to see whether or not they are truly due to his behaviors. Or if you are taking things out on him. Remember telling little Suzie not to yell at littler Billy because she was grounded or didn't make the soccer team? Chastising your husband for punishing the children, since he can't tell his boss what an a____ she was to him? -Your husband is not a punching bag. - And if your hostility is really because of what he has or hasn't done, confront him. Respectfully. Assertively. Maybe you can work things out. Perhaps you cannot. But at least make the attempt. Perhaps you will discover that the problems are not really in his control to change. Or change, easily. - Perhaps your feelings are the result of 'life' more than him. - If you can't get past these feelings, seek professional help. Because two miserable people living under the same roof, sharing a bed is miserable. Life is too short for that.

FORGOTTEN ANNIVERSARIES, VALENTINE'S DAY… - If your man forgot to give you a card or present or wine and dine you for your anniversary or Valentine's Day, you would probably be at least disappointed and most likely, very angry. Well, do you celebrate these days by being intimate with him? A special hug, kiss, snuggling, or even passion? How about on his birthday? What better present than…

EXCUSES. - Your husband undoubtedly knows when you are finessing him, whether or not he lets on to it.

LOSS OF A SEX DRIVE. - Whoa! Does showing basic affection, with a hug, kiss, or snuggling require a sex drive? Holding hands?

THE 'LITTLE THINGS'. - Do you leave your husband little love notes? Give him flowers? A card just because you love him? Do you sneak up to him and plant a passionate kiss on him? How about a hug? Men eat these things up, as well as women.

" HE'S ALWAYS WANTING IT. WE DO IT ENOUGH TIMES." - There really is no set number of times to be intimate. But non-sexual intimacy might be more doable more often? And if you have sex only once a month, that's twelve times or approx. 3% of the year. Would you consider doing something you truly love, only once every 100 days, to be satisfying? And if you do it quarterly, that's 1% of a year. - Get the picture? The odds are that you are getting your way of not being intimate far many more times than he gets what he wants.

NOT A POWER STRUGGLE. - Intimacy should not be one. Or a once a year or semi-annual event. Relish your man! Get lost in his arms and swim in the sea that is your love.


copyright - 2005 - R. Irving