Men Express Themselves
Where men can share their points of view and more.
Where women can learn about men.










    

 

 

 

 


ARGUING IS JUSTIFIED?

She complains that you don't understand her.
And you respond back that no man understands a woman.
And, so the 2 of you continue to argue, and fuss, and make your lives as well as the children's miserable.

But, you protest. And tell me that there have been tons of literature produced that proves men and women speak a different language. So, this is not your fault.
Yet, while you use those books and articles to defend your position, you don't want to follow their advice, saying that it's all simply 'psycho-babble'.
Bottom-line? You want it both ways.

Now, perhaps you are married or dating a 'true bitch'. Someone who will never let you win an argument or feel that you did something correctly. And, if that is truly the case, then why are you with them? And, please don't claim that all women are like that. Because you don't want to be lumped in with the men who cheat or otherwise abuse their partner.

And, most importantly, arguing gains you what? Certainly not peace and quiet, more sex, physical intimacy, less pressure, esteem in your child's eyes...

The odds are that the 2 of you fell into this hole, where arguing is how you feel most comfortable relating. Sort of a masochistic/ sadistic dance.

Well, if you want better for you, the children, your partner, then one of you needs to leave the dance floor. Learn some new steps, and give it time for your spouse or girlfriend to decide whether or not to join you.

So many times it's the obvious that provides the solution to life's problems. So to avoid arguments, simply do not start one and if one is in progress, then do not join in. It's really that simple. Not necessarily easy, but simple.

So, don't fall for the bait if it is thrown out there.
If she starts complaining, respond in a reasonable tone and volume of voice. And, if you don't feel that she is giving your side of things any understanding... Then tell her you're going out of the room until she can talk with you civilly. And, if she increases her volume, as she likely will, then shrug your shoulders and remind her that when she is willing to listen and talk to you as she would her parents or grocer, then you will return.

Now, this assumes that you are correct in your position. If not, no one likes someone who tries to bully or otherwise get out of responsibility. In this instance, give a great and sincere apology. You will be amazed at how well this is accepted.

Bear in mind that your children do soak up styles of relating, largely from their parents.

And, by the way... I truly don't care whether or not this is how your folks related. Or that your dad was a 'milk-toast'. What matters is how you behave and behavior can change. You don't argue with a policeman or your boss. (Not unless you want to pay the price of so doing.)
The stakes are much higher here.

Now, for the 'real' payoffs.
After a while, not right away, she will likely get the point and will respond accordingly. But, give it time.
And, you should see a more caring partner, a more supportive one, a more loving one... Less hassling to and from the children... Less need to avoid being home or hiding behind booze or the internet or...

And, wouldn't you rather have a relationship where you all have more 'up times' and less high blood pressure?

copyright - R. Irving